Between Gods and Dreams
by Chaotic Serenity
Summary: Some time after his return from Kutou's grasp, Tamahome reflects on Miaka, Yui, and his seishi duty in general. Mild spoilers for the few episodes after Miaka revists Kutou.


_Author's Notes:_ The thoughts of Tamahome while he looks on after Miaka a short time after he escapes the clutches of Nakago and Yui.

**Warnings:** Angst, otherwise.

**Archive:** Just ask. ^_^

Obligatory Disclaimer: I own no part of Tamahome, Miaka, or any of the other characters in Fushigi Yuugi. Oh, and some credit goes to the story "I Stand Here Ironing" by Tillie Olsen. That story helped inspire parts of this story, especially that last part. 

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Between Dreams and Gods

It's times like this that I pray thanks for my alliance with Suzaku. It brought me to her, to this sight of her dancing among the sakura blossoms of Hotohori's royal gardens, so happy and carefree upon one sunny afternoon. Suzaku, what did I ever do to deserve her?

She's so beautiful, so bright! Sometimes I feel like I'm dreaming and am going to wake up anytime soon and lose it all. But maybe that's the beauty of love: if you keep it strong and burning, you don't have to greet the morning.

She's strong and loyal, traits easily seen in her dedication to everyone and everything she cares about, including me, so it's not her love who requires the wary eye to follow it. Though it scares me so, I fear...that it's my own heart that is my own worst enemy. 

There are times when I wish that we had met in a different situation, one where we weren't so torn by war and rage and hate. All I ever wanted was simplicity in my life; I expected nothing more. The son of a poor farmer doesn't exactly dream of reaching to where I am now.

But it hurts, by the gods, does it hurt. My heart belongs to her, yet I am so torn by those who are around me. I wish that I could love all who love me, but I...just cannot. The heart chooses it's on path, it's own way, and once it has decided, not even I can change it. I've already betrayed Miaka once, and I refuse to let myself do it again.

Yui...

Miaka's friend. Now her enemy. And now yet another woman I've betrayed.

Yui is...Yui...

Sometimes I wish that I could love her as I love Miaka. Below that mask of bravery and anger, I can see the _real_ Yui, the one that Miaka came to love as her best and beloved friend. I can see the person who deserves all this sacrifice, all this pain, no matter the cost to us.

But, like the others, I cannot love her like that.

I remember now. About the others. There were so many whom I wanted to love the same as they did me, even as my heart refused to turn. Sometimes it wasn't even the love shared between a couple that was desired. Most times, they simply wanted my sympathies and regrets.

So much love, and yet I gave so little. And I wonder if I'm doing it all over again. Do I love Miaka as fully as she loves me? Do I truly deserve what she has given me?

By Suzaku, why do I question?

I think--no, I _hope_ that I'll leave through this terrible war with her. I can't imagine, can't dream, don't want to even think about what life would be without Miaka. This is no crush, no silly teenage lust. The more I'm with her, the more I realize I can't live without her.

Gods, I wish...I ask myself again and again, why me? Why us? Why everyone and anyone who has or will come to suffer because of my fate? Because of **our** fate. 

Please, if I never ask another favor, grant me the one desire of my heart. There is so much to us, yet so little may come of it in the end. Let her know that she is more than some girl from another world who has no road to follow but her own, and that she has caught more than my eye, but my heart as well. Let Yui understand why I cannot love her, and by her god's will, let her find love in her own time. Do not let her become the enemy we so fear.

And by Suzaku, let them both understand that my heart can only comfort so many, and that I am only one man, trapped between two gods and my dreams.

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Alright, Chao-chan wrote her fic. First FY fic I've finished out of the ten I have in writing. -_-;; My own critique is that it comes off a litte too poetic for the poor son of a farmer, but, hey, so shoot me. Anyhow, tell me how you like it. Ciao for now!


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